Hello, REBEL. What brings you to this page? Are you one of the very few humans who refuse to be sheep herded towards the false promises of higher education? Did you drop out of college to start a band, or to pursue some other wonderfully fetishized creative activity? Or did you, clever sneak, simply leave school and neglect to tell your parents? Whatever the reason you’ve decided to visit this page, welcome. This will be one of the most important crafting projects of your life.
To Make Your Own Diploma You Will Need
One (1) Piece of heavy card-stock
OR Two (2) Pieces of white copier paper which can be glued together to produce a thicker piece of paper
One (1) Glue Stick
One (1) Calligraphy Pen
One (1) Piece of Gold Foil (We have found that the underbelly of Yoplait yogurt lids works well.)
One (1) Pair of Fancy Crafting Scissors
One (1) Sheet of Tracing Paper
One (1) Picture of a School Seal from the Internet. (We have noticed the best results are produced when the seal you use is from a school you could’ve reasonably graduated from.)
One (1) Ruler
One (1) Protractor
One (1) Latin Dictionary
One (1) Ability to Write in Cursive OR
One (1) Friend with the Ability to Write in Cursive
One (1) Ability to Forge at Least Three (3) Different Signatures OR
One (1) Friend with the Ability to Forge at Least Three (3) Different Signatures
One (1) Ability to Lie
One (1) Mug of Coffee with Cream and Two Sugars
One (1) Access to a Search Engine
One (1) Cup of Strong Black Tea (Optional)
- Consume the entirety of the mug of coffee you have prepared with cream and sugar. This will keep you energized and focused on the task at hand.
- If you were unable to afford or find card paper, your next step is to glue the two sheets of copier paper together. To do this, line the two pieces of paper up exactly, and use your glue stick to coat one entire side of the first sheet of paper in glue. Press this sticky side of paper to either side of the second sheet. Wait for it to dry. If you were able to obtain cardstock, lucky bug, skip this step and move onto to the next one.
- Use the protractor to draw a wide arch near the top of the paper. The name of your “school” will be written along this arc.
- Use your ruler to find the center of the piece of the paper. Mark it.
- Using the same ruler, draw approximately ten lines of various length in the center of the paper. These lines are where you will write the required information about your “degree.” Make sure to leave room at the bottom of the page for the school seal and signatures from the president, vice president, and registrar.
- Take the piece of gold foil and gently remove any lingering Yoplait yogurt.
- Use your fancy crafting scissors to trim the edges of the foil so that it more closely resembles a school seal.
- Using your tracing paper, a dull pencil, and the image of the school seal you retrieved from the internet, press an impression of the seal into your repurposed Yoplait lid. Tracing with a dull pencil will produce a lovely engraved look.
- Use the glue stick to firmly attach the seal to the middle of the bottom part of the diploma.
- Draw three short lines for signatures around the seal. Place two of these lines on one side of the seal and one line on the other side.
- Using your calligraphy pen, and either your ability to write in cursive or your friend’s ability to write in cursive, sketch the name of your dream university along the arch you drew in step three. You will need to retain this ability throughout the remaining steps.
- Decide which degree you wish to receive from said university. (We recommend you use an undergraduate, bachelor’s degree. It is typically more believable than a Master’s Degree or a Law Degree.) Write the title of this degree prominently on the middle line you drew in step 5.
- On one of the other lines underneath the name of the school, inscribe the date which the university was founded. (We recommend you use a standard search engine to verify this information.)
- On another one of these lines, write your name in large letters. Try to ensure this is spelled correctly.
- Whip out your Latin Dictionary. Fill in the remaining lines, besides the three short lines around the school seal, with alternating English and Latin phrases which sound “education-y.” No one will read these lines, anyway.
- Search the names of your dream university’s president, vice-president, and registrar. Use your own ability, or your friend’s ability, to write in three (3) different styles of handwriting, and copy the name of each person listed above onto a different line in a different style of handwriting.
- Prepare to lie your ass off about the college experience. Use buzzwords and key phrases such as “innovative,” “dynamic,” “diverse,” “challenging,” “made lots of friends,” “drank lots of alcohol,” “I hate the man,” and “The classes were hard.” Use this and other similar language when your present your diploma to your friends and loved ones.
* Optional Step- Before you present this document to your chosen audience, make yourself a strong cup of black tea. Spill this tea all over your diploma. Let it dry. This will give the paper, an older, more parchment-like look.