Horoscopes

Aries- Aries, the stars say that they cannot predict what your life will be like this month. There is too much chaos in your orbitals. Please try again next month.

Taurus- You will spend a week feeling moody and hungry. The Taurus women will pretend it’s PMS, even though they know the timing of their period does not correlate with the timing of this moodiness. The Taurus men will not question this feeling. Both genders will spend an absurd amount of money buying pizza and briefly taking up boxing lessons. You will find yourselves deeply in debt next month.

Gemini- Happy birth month, Geminis. It is your time to shine. Unfortunately, the stars say that this will be a more literal shining than you would like. You will find yourself in a haunted hotel hallway, greeted by an eerie pair of twins. You will spend eternity playing with them. Alternatively, someone may play a prank on you and switch your shampoo with frying oil, producing a sickly, unhealthy shine both in your hair and on your face. The stars are conflicted about the manner in which many of you will “shine.”

Cancer- The stars say you will be exceptionally CRABBY this month. Because you will be feeling crabby, you will eat your lunch before your lunch hour and be forced to spend money purchasing snacks from the vending machine for the rest of the day. You will be fired from your job, for unrelated reasons. No new opportunities will present themselves to you.

Leo- Lucky, Leo. You will play the lottery. You will not win the jackpot, but you will win ten dollars. You will loan someone these ten dollars and they will not repay you. This will teach you a very important lesson about finances, which you will carry with you all the way through next tax season.

Virgo- You will meet a romantic partner. They will make your toes tingle. They will make your nose tingle. You will be up all night thinking about them. You will introduce them to your parents. They will not respond as you hope. You will spend the rest of your relationship wondering if you are settling for mediocrity, or if your parents just don’t understand the nuances of your young love.

Libra- You will order Chinese food twice a week. The delivery man will start to wonder if you are lonely and sad. You will pick up on his vibes, but continue to order Chinese food. What the delivery man doesn’t understand is that you aren’t ordering this food because you want to eat, but are instead searching for a more filling prophecy inside of a series of fortune cookies than what you get from these horoscopes.

Scorpio- You will literally poison someone who has been metaphorically poisoning your life with their negative energies. You will claim innocence and explain that it was a mistake. Because you have never aroused the suspicions of the police before, you will be found not guilty. Congratulations.

Sagittarius- You will have no romantic partners this month. I’m sorry about that. The stars do not envy you.

Capricorn- The stars say you have working very hard to obtain a goal which other people deem unrealistic, or unattainable. You will prove all of the people who doubt you wrong. You will be met with great success and fortune this month. You will carry the self-confidence this brings with you into the rest of the Summer.

Aquarius- You will be desperate to make yourself into a water sign. A pitcher of water is in your symbol, after all. Unfortunately, you do not have a solid grasp on astrology. You will just spend a lot time swimming in pools and public ponds. You will tumble down waterfalls and almost drown. You will wear a mermaid tail everywhere you go and fall constantly. Your friends and family will think you are insane. You will be shunned and remain an air sign.

Pisces- You will receive horrible news from a man in a black hat. Avoid men in black hats.