We all know what everyone says when we’re a depressed bunny like me. We’ve all heard the usual list of dos and don’ts. But I want to know, do they really work? I’ve scanned the internet to find the webs most popular answers on how to cure your depression. I’m here to show you those answers in a segment I like to call…
WILL IT MOLLIFY?
The internet’s number one game that determines whether or not these positivity laundry lists actually work!
If they don’t, fear not bunnies, I’ve got the real remedies that’ll get rid of those terrible feelings like a bad pickup line gets you a swipe left on Tinder. Guaranteed results.
11/10 people say it’s the number one reason for guilt preservation. When you add meditation to your list, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, regret, and most of all, self-hatred. It’s scientifically proven. I’ve told myself to start meditation for about five years now and I hit the hammer on the thumb with that one every time. I’ve dreamt of escaping to the warm lands of India where I would drink enough turmeric tea to pee eighty times a day, sitting in a temple for five hours and having that Kylie Jenner moment where I just like, realize things.
That shit doesn’t happen.
If it floats your boat, by all means, get yourself some linen pants and meditate the hell out of yourself. But just don’t beat yourself up when you delete the Mindfulness app because you need more room for taco photos.
2. “SPEND SOME TIME IN NATURE”
I have to agree that nature is really pretty but sometimes so is my bed. Forget ‘forest bathing’, I suggest taking a scenic walk to your local Ikea and getting yourself a damn fine Mausund natural latex mattress, some silky bed linens, some jumbo cacti and ponytail palms (and don’t forget a 99¢ frozen yogurt on your way out! No tax!). Let yourself relax in the comfort of your dark and damp room. You’ll 100% get your nature time with those new plants and natural latex.
I guess nature is nice and has proven to be a good tonic. But sometimes you deserve a day off to just wallow, like Rory Gilmore after her breakup with Dean (thank god). You gotta wallow! “One day of pizza and pajamas.” There’s no shame in it.
3. “ABSTAIN FROM ALCOHOL”
My unhealthy, destructive side laughs. “I’m going to have to give a big ZERO on this one,” she says during a therapy session. “Alcohol found me many friendships, relationships, lovers, etcetera. I owe it to alcohol for finding me a boyfriend and some of my best friends. I never would have visited my boyfriend’s show house had I not had the desire to get fucked up after my Italian exam. Nor would I have the memory of sharing a bathroom to puke my guts out with my friend (she let me have the toilet, the darling).” My therapist sighs, clearly concerned.
“They say alcohol is a depressant but I don’t think I’ve ever been depressed by drinking. At least not when I drink enough.” My therapist rolls her eyes.
“The worst time in my life was when I wasn’t drinking. I was so anxious because I couldn’t drink… Or was it that I couldn’t drink because I was anxious? I can’t remember.” My therapist gets up and walks out.
I’ll have to agree with this one here. I find that the easiest thing to do in my most depressive states is to laugh. It comes so naturally. I’ll just be lying in my bed (see #2) crying and then I remember, hey, wait, I can just laugh! And I do and everything turns into the chalky sidewalk scene from Mary Poppins. Cartoon barnyard animals everywhere! It’s amazing!
Or if you have $100 you can find your local Laughing Yoga in the back alley of your members-only farmers market. RESULTS.
5. “DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD”
Did you know, doing what makes you feel good is actually something that makes you feel good? Can you believe it??
If having wild sex with a stranger down the block makes you feel good, by all means! If stuffing your face with blueberry cobbler at the local diner stamps your envelope, have at it! If spending your money on all the items from a Buzzfeed “Hot Items from Amazon” list floats your corpse, cash that shit!
Because doing what makes you feel good is always healthiest, like everything from inhaling the Yankee candle store as you walk by to experimenting with horse tranquilizers. Makes sense!
It’s very easy to get in a frenzy reading pretty blogs about the science behind hypochlorophyll-diet-induced dopamine highs or the benefits of a twelve day soul cycle sleepover. But we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to accept that we’re humans -and probably the most sensitive of humans in a day and age where almost everyone we work with has anxiety (if we weren’t, this blog wouldn’t exist! <3). We’re going to have days, weeks, months, maybe years of letting ourselves go, of giving into the sadness again. And that’s okay. We can always buy a new bullet journal at the end of it all and make better lists. Who cares if we just binge-watched all of Queer Eye in 24 hours and cried the whole time?
Save yourself the guilt. It is as good a depressant as a mulled wine, because my healthy side knows alcohol is a depressant. Try something once and if you don’t pick it up don’t be mad at yourself. And if you pick up the bottle of wine when you put that on your DON’T list, don’t be mad at yourself either.
And just a tid bit: I learned in therapy that meditation doesn’t just mean channeling your chakras in a consciously woke brain orgasm moment. Meditation means taking time to do something you love and immersing yourself into it fully. Painting, writing, kickboxing, playing the harp, baking vegan chocolate mousse cakes, reading A Walk to Remember with your cat and Ferrero Rocher by your side. Find yourself in the rhythm of something that takes you over 20 minutes, and I don’t just mean scrolling through Pinterest (Mom!)
Thanks for reading! Look for my oh so serious new post about my super anxious life, coming soon!
P.S. You’re therapist shouldn’t ever walk out on you. And if they do, they’re the wrong therapist.
P.P.S. No, that didn’t happen to me but the bathroom throw up scene did. Thanks Madi!