I remember when I was young, innocent, naïve, and fresh out of Catholic school, with my grand delusions of love and men and spontaneous sex, possibly partially fueled by reading the endlessly illicit Fifty Shades of Gray. Oh to be young! Oh to be tossed recklessly over the shoulder of a beautiful man with an abdomen I could run my tongue over again and again! Spontaneous sex is lovely, really, so reckless and fun, until you realize that you are not, in any way, adequately prepared to be intimate with anyone. Spontaneous sex can be hard, tedious; and while scheduled sex sounds boring, it at least gives you adequate time to shave, exfoliate, relax, grab condoms and warn your roommates about the animal noises soon to be emanating from your room. Imagine yourself being completely unprepared for sex with the man of your dreams and how that might turn out, how self-conscious you might feel…
“I haven’t shaved…anything, for weeks” you realize with despair as your clothing starts to fall off. He proceeds to caress your face and his thumb quickly finds the patch of pimples you didn’t have time to cover up, causing you to blush hard. “I think I have coffee breath. I definitely have coffee breath. Why did I drink coffee it’s 11 PM?” you worry as his mouth pushes yours open. When he groans your roommates start to giggle and bang on the walls, embarrassing you. “Do I even have time for this?” you wonder despairingly when he knocks over a towering stack of textbooks and notebook paper, as he tries and fails at an “inventive” new position. This thought followed almost immediately by “Ehh he’s a guy. He’ll finish fast anyway” and then the inevitable question of “Why am I doing this anyway if I won’t get any pleasure from it?” Then, right when you convince yourself that this time won’t be like the others and you will be the one to finish first, you realize that you are so unprepared for intimacy that you don’t even have condoms. This forces the man to run out and procure condoms from the nearest convenience store, which is not so conveniently nearby. When he returns, you are curled up in a big sweatshirt drinking tea and reading Anna Karenina, only slightly intrigued by the concept of sex. (It is possible that I am projecting a bit here, but the thing with spontaneous sex is that it’s a very in the moment. It’s hard to get back into it if the moment is broken.) By the time your man has convinced you that you might derive pleasure from sex and that it does not necessarily have to be exhausting, it’s 4 AM and you’re already exhausted. This man does not have magic fingers and he is not Alexi Vronsky and you show up late to work the next day, tired, underwhelmed, and sexually frustrated. Scheduled sex, however, is incredibly underrated, under-utilized, effective and enjoyable.
When your sex life is scheduled, you can plan your life around your sex. Alternatively, you can plan sex around your other life activities. It’s all about prioritizing. You can schedule sex for a Friday night if you have a Sunday morning breakfast planned with your family or a future employer. This gives all of Saturday to recover from the love affair. You could also plan to have a dinner with your parents on a Thursday night so that your weekend is free for a sexual adventure. Look at all the flexibility you maintain even while upholding a schedule! Scheduled sex also enables you to shave EVERYTHING (or not shave, if you prefer that route), and to not only shave but lotion up and exfoliate. You do not want to subject your man (or yourself) to the coarse, scratchy feeling of unsightly razor bumps. You can select to wear your most seductive, or at least your cleanest, least stained, pair of underwear. You can be sure to be swallow some mints post-coffee and avoid Chipotle, onions, garlic, or anything else that gives you diarrhea or acid reflux. You can pop the pimples on your face or ass, pluck the hairs that grow through your moles, and apply waterproof mascara (or not). Scheduled sex lets you be you, and present the face and body you’re the proudest of, and most comfortable in. It’s not for the man, it’s for you! You have an extra little bit of control when you can plan out your sex with the same colored pens and precision you use to schedule your classes, or your work. This extra control can be especially gratifying if you tend to be submissive in the bedroom.
Scheduling your sex life in the same way that you schedule your classes or professional life is also considerate to your roommates. I live with three other girls and we print our class schedules and hang them in our living room so that we can always easily find one another and plans together. Why not hang up a copy of your scheduled sex life? Hanging up a copy of your libido’s timetable may be especially helpful if you live with your sexual partner because they will always know exactly what you want and need when you want and need it. However even if you are not sleeping with the people you live with, it’s always beneficial to coordinate your sex life with your roommates, or at least give them some advanced notice. Roommates do not like to be kept awake by loud moaning, sporadic and unexpected raspberries, banging headboards, quaking bedframes, and the loud music you choose to play in a feeble attempt to drown out all of the noise. Of course, this line of reasoning is based primarily on the assumption that your sex life is loud and energetic. Obviously that is not always the case. But even so, it may be beneficial to coordinate with your roommates so that they do not attempt to attack, imprison, or otherwise maim the stranger lurking in your apartment before breakfast. You might also want to secure dibs on the washing machine. Clean sheets are a God send. Clean sheets and a surplus of condoms are arguably the best parts of good, scheduled sex.
Condoms. You should always have condoms. If you’re not fornicating with men and have no desire to do so, you should still have condoms in case your friends need them unexpectedly. Scheduled sex ensures that you always have plenty of time to run to a convenience store before your suitor arrives and grab some extras. You can plan to sip tea and read about Russian love at an earlier time.
Now, for the mechanics of scheduling sex. Scheduling sex does not have to be a hassle (at least from my admittedly privileged, occasionally over-confident, and so far exclusively heterosexual experiences). Sometimes men are sensitive. I recently learned that they even also have feelings occasionally. Because of the sensitivity of men, sometimes the direct “Do you want to come over between 12-1 AM for sex and light chit-chat?” doesn’t work. A better way of phrasing that same question might be, “Hey are you free from 12-2 AM? (more time is key) I have wine, a Netflix subscription, and some condoms.” He should get the hint. Another important part of scheduling sex is that you can always cancel your plans. There is never any pressure to preform just because you said you would. This is not Broadway, the show doesn’t have to go on. And if you do cancel, you’re always free to reschedule. You are in control!
Scheduled sex is the best sex, after safe and consensual sex of course. You are always prepared, in control, and hopefully functioning with peak confidence and pride. It might not be as “fun” as spontaneous sex, and yes my favorite position is missionary as you might have ascertained, but scheduled sex, like the missionary position, is practical and effective.